From the category archives:

The Art of Letter Writing

The Art of Letter Writing: Sympathy Cards

by Allison on July 18, 2011

art of letter writing1; The Art of Letter Writing: Sympathy Cards

Even in writing, offering your condolences for a friend’s of family member’s loss is a difficult and daunting task. However, don’t let your fear of saying something wrong stop you from sending a sympathy card; a well-intentioned letter is always appreciated, regardless of its level of eloquence. Here’s some tips to get you started:

  • Begin with a name: Always mention the deceased by name, though it may be painful. It ensures that the sympathy card comes off as personal rather than sterile.
  • Offer sympathy to the letter recipient:Address the letter recipient specifically. Let them know that they are in your heart.
  • Share a memory: If you can, speak of your experiences or favorite memories of the deceased. Be specific. Letters last a long time, and creating a written record of a memory of their loved one is sure to be appreciated. It not only shows that their loved one continues to live on in your memory, but also ensures that the experience lasts in their memory as well. If you were not familiar with the deceased, try to remember what you have heard from the letter recipient about them: “You always told me how John could make you laugh in any circumstance,” or, “I know how much you looked up to Cecilia; I remember when you told me once. . .” This creates the same personal effect that a memory might.
  • Offer specific ways in which you would like to help: Almost every family dealing with loss speaks kindly of the food left by thoughtful friends and family members. Try to think of things that make good leftovers, like lasagna or enchiladas. If you’re not a whiz in the kitchen, offer to run basic errands–driving a child to an activity or school or buying groceries. Any little bit helps, but offering your aid without specifying how you can help can be too overwhelming in such a difficult time.
  • End with a sincere condolence, again, and a warm send-off. Try to make your letter meaningful, but not too long. The most powerful letters often are those that knew what to leave out.

Writing a sympathy card is not an easy task, but in following a few basic guidelines, you can create a letter that is not only appropriate but also meaningful.

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The Art of Letter Writing: How Soon. . .

by Allison on October 5, 2010

art of letter writing; The Art of Letter Writing: How Soon. . .

I’m just about as guilty as everyone else of procrastinating writing the seemingly endless amounts of Christmas thank you notes, but it’s always good to at least be aware of the deadlines your missing! I’ve put together a short list of deadlines (from research in Etiquette and elsewhere) you should strive to meet:

Immediately:

-Wedding RSVPs

-Party RSVPs

Within 3 Days:

-Birthday Cards

Within 1 Week:

-Condolences

Within 2 Weeks:

-Thank You Notes for holiday gifts

-Thank You Notes for birthday gifts

-Thank You Notes for other small gatherings

Within 1 Month:

      -Thank You Notes for larger parties: Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Graduation Parties, etc.

      Within 3 Months:

      -Wedding Thank You Notes

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        The Art of Letter Writing: The Permanence of Letters

        by Allison on September 28, 2010

        art of letter writing3; The Art of Letter Writing: The Permanence of Letters

        While scanning through Emily’s Etiquette today, looking for inspiration, I came across her word of warning on the permanence of letters and was immediately struck by it:

        “For all emotions written words are a bad medium. The light jesting tone that saves a quip from offense can not be expressed; and remarks that if spoken would amuse, can but pique and even insult their subject. Without the interpretation of the voice, gaiety becomes levity, raillery becomes accusation. Moreover, words of a passing moment are made to stand forever.

        Anger in a letter carries with it the effect of solidified fury; the words spoken in reproof melt with the breath of the speaker once the cause is forgiven. The written words on the page fix them for eternity.

        Love in a letter endures likewise forever.

        Admonitions from parents to their children may very properly be put on paper-they are meant to endure, and be remembered, but momentary annoyance should never be more than briefly expressed. There is no better way of insuring his letters against being read than for a parent to get into the habit of writing irritable or fault-finding letters to his children.”

        I’ve put my favorite parts of her warning in bold–it is so very easy to jot off a letter quickly in moments of anger or other types of overwhelming emotion. Indeed, when it is writing a letter any more attractive than in moments of impulsivity?

        On the other hand, however, isn’t what is so attractive about letter writing as a medium its permanence? Its ability to freeze a single moment of emotion for eternity?  That, I believe, it what makes them such a powerful form of communication. To lose the everlasting memento of a love letter out of fear of its permanence would be a sad thing indeed!

        However, in our age of technology, Emily’s words ring all the more true.  Email is not at all forgiving to those of us cursed with excessive emotion of impulsive tendencies. Before you send off an email, or jot down a letter, make sure to ask yourself:

        • Would I want these words to endure forever?
        • Would I care if my family or friends saw this?
        • What would I think of this message 20 years down the line?

        While it isn’t exactly realistic that you’re going to consider such grave questions every time you hit the send button, a touch more awareness wouldn’t hurt! I certainly wish that I had paid closer attention to what I wrote down every now and again.

        Look forward to more letter writing tips (and Emily Post wisdom) next Tuesday!

        Emily Post quotes from her book Etiquette, published in 1922.

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        The Art of Letter Writing: Ending On a Good Note

        by Allison on September 21, 2010

        art of letter writing2; The Art of Letter Writing: Ending On a Good Note

        There is something so inevitably awkward about closing a letter. Often, if the letter is any good, it has begun to deviate from its initial purpose, winding off into some rambling–albeit probably interesting–route.  This rambling makes the letter that much harder to close in that if a letter has already strayed from its express purpose, what’s to stop the writing now?

        Emily Post recognizes this issue, and offers some great and timeless advice:

        • Firstly, resist the urge to end abruptly: “Just as the beginning of a letter should give the reader an impression of greeting, so should the end express friendly or affectionate leave-taking. Nothing can be worse than to seem to scratch helplessly around in the air for an idea that will effect your escape. ‘Well, I guess I must stop now,’ ‘Well, I must close,’ or, ‘You are probably bored with this long epistle, so I had better close.’” This kind of hasty close is the opposite of subtle; your recipient is sure to notice!
        • End an intimate letter in the same manner it is composed: Emily clarifies, “An intimate letter has no end at all. When you leave the house of a member of your family, you don’t have to think up an especial sentence in order to say good-by. Leave-taking in a letter is the same.” She suggests you try, “‘Good-by, dearest, for to-day,”Will write again in a day or two,’or ‘Luncheon was announced half a page ago! So good-by, dear Mary, for to-day.’”
        • Try ending with a personal anecdote or image: Emily dictates, “It is really quite simple, if you realize that the aim of the closing paragraph is merely to bring in a personal hyphen between the person writing and the person written to,” continuing, “‘The mountains were beautiful at sunset.’is a bad closing sentence because ‘the mountains’ have nothing personal to either of you. But if you can add ‘-they reminded me of the time we were in Colorado together,’ or ‘-how different from our wide prairies at home,’ you have crossed a bridge, as it were.”

        Look forward to more letter writing tips (and Emily Post wisdom) next Tuesday!

        Emily Post quotes from her book Etiquette, published in 1922.

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        The Art of Letter Writing: A Wedding Invitation Faux Pas

        by Allison on September 14, 2010

        art of letter writing1; The Art of Letter Writing: A Wedding Invitation Faux Pas

        I read this over at the Martha Stewart Wedding Blog, The Bride’s Guide, today, and I just had to share it with you all (especially as Emily Post makes no mention of how to deal with unwed couples, for obvious reason!):

        “A friend of mine and her longtime live-in boyfriend told me this recent disaster story. A wedding invitation from a good, good friend of theirs had come in the mail,  addressed to the boyfriend –”and Guest.”

        She was pretty hurt (she was actually surprised how much). Her boyfriend was livid! And when he complained to his friend, this is what he found out:

        The groom — poor guy! — had lost a long argument with their stationer / calligrapher. The woman insisted that unless a couple was married, etiquette required the “and Guest” format. (Which is not true, as we know.)

        My friend’s not mad anymore, but that’s because her boyfriend was pushy enough to inquire, so they now know it wasn’t a deliberate snub. How many of those other couples on the guest list are going to be insulted — but quietly so?

        That stationer really did him a dirty trick. She’s a pro; she  should have more accurate research. And that’s why you need to do your own independent research first.”

        I can easily see myself falling prey to such an easy error–I often find myself debating over similar problems in writing this column weekly. As letter writing etiquette, let alone letter writing at all, has seemed to fall to the wayside, it has yet to be definitively updated to contemporary situations.  While Emily Post’s Etiquette is helpful more often than not, when do I begin to judge her rules as outdated, or even, as was the case above, offensive? Is Martha Stewart (and her very large corporation) a modern day Emily Post? And if they aren’t, who do I turn to for contemporary etiquette guidance?

        On a semi-related note, here’s an excellent place to start in terms of Wedding Invitation FAQ–a resource from the amazing wedding website, The Knot.

        Do you have any suggestions for modern day etiquette resources?

        pixel; The Art of Letter Writing: A Wedding Invitation Faux Pas

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